SPAM and its failed relatives

SPAM substitute is a waste of time.
Not only does it come in a tin package filled with a sick gel that even Dr. Scholl wouldn't put on the market, but you have to sqeeze and prod it out of its lovely package. When it hits the plate, allow plenty of time for it to jiggle. This could take anywhere from 30 seconds to 5 and 1/2 minutes. When it is done jiggling, grab a gas mask and commence slicing. If you pass out from the odor, don't panic. It's perfectly natural.
When frying, it does not sizzle and simmer like SPAM. It merely lies there pathetically like an obese hairless cat and rockets boiling steam onto your arms. When the edges turn black, you should probably take it off the pan, even though the middle is still soft and pink and squishy. Only SPAM turns to that golden brown that is so appealing to consumers all over the world.
Why would someone even try to create an alternative for a product that saved the Russian army in WWII? Why would someone even try to consume a product that is a substitute for a substitute for Ham? Who even does this?!?!?!
Let me tell you:

Dutch Colony luncheon meat. They even include directions on how to open the can. Because is was such a challenge before they added 3 step directions!

Fortune luncheon meat (also a product of Holland)


Ziyad turkey/beef and chicken luncheon loaf. Yes, a product of The Middle East.

Celebrity luncheon meat. It says that it is made of chicken and pork, but has been reported to smell suspiciously of raw liverwurst.


(fatty) Holland View pork

Canadian Fortune luncheon meat. Yes, it seems that the Dutch have joined with Canadians to form an even worse luncheon meat than they could on their own.

Winner Mountain. Winner? Of what? Indigestion?


Canadian Ma Ling. Our dear Canadian brothers have also partnered with the Chinese to make a Spam substitute that is currently only distributed in Holland.

Bristol Luncheon meat. And the picture on the can shows a display in which the meat slices have been arranged to resemble a pleated skirt.

Hereford- Who even knows what this meat is going to be?!? Although, we can fairly assume that it is going to be a product of Holland.


Ligo. And the lovely picture on the front of the can makes this ham look like it has a black head infestation or a pin cushion (probably its most practical use).


Treet- smells like dog food and we all know it! It think that it originally meant to say Dog Treet.


Albertsons. Now with a lovely argyle design embossed into its fatty exterior. (Includes some real ham! Whoopee!)


Potluck. Once again, a product of Holland. When will they ever realize that their SPAM substitutes will only ever amount to good blogging material?

Hartford House luncheon loaf . It's gritty and gelatinous(just like all the rest!)!

SUPER- Super what? Super crappy? Super guaranteed to make you vomit? Super crumbly and fragile (unlike its gelatinous cousins)?

Great Value luncheon meat- a Wal-mart bargain! What more is there to say?


Majesty (Denmark’s best). If a multi-toned, pink, speckled brick of pork is their best, I don’t
want to see what else they have come up with.


Ralph’s pork luncheon meat. Whoever Ralph is, he failed in life.

VONS luncheon meat. Known to smell like wooden shoes. Appropriate since it, too, is from Holland.

Royal Chicken Luncheon Loaf. Reported to have a smoky taste. A great subtitute for cigarettes. Sure to give you lung cancer!

Don't give me any of these foreign luncheon meats! I want Hormel's Spiced canned Ham. There is a reason that you probably haven't been familiarized with a lot of these; they ALL FAILED. And they ALL fall in the same category: cheap SPAM substitutes. Therefore, don't buy them unless you are planning the death of a loved one. These products should be lethal weapons! Eating these things could be considered attempted suicide. Come on people! Let's stick to the product that out country has come to rely on: SPAM.